Over the edge

I spend some time of my day thinking about the things that drive me insane and usually I think of them as texts, as articles. I think about so many things, so many things that drive me crazy and that are not few and are very varied. But every time I think "I should write this in my blog, I'll feel better", I sit in front of the computer and it doesn't come out at all. For some reason, when I decided to do it I just can't. I really have no idea why, I don't know it's fear, laziness or what. I just block. And thus I end up righting about the most frivolous aspects of my every day life because the things I really want to write about I just freeze.

So many things. So many.

People think I take things far too seriously - which is in fact true - and that I should take a lighter approach to life. Maybe I should. But I can't.

I'm only 28 years old and I've had a great life. A wonderful life. My childhood was awesome - ok, my teenage years weren't the best, more on that some other day - , my mother is the greatest person I've ever met, my stepfather is the best father God could have provided for me - my mom and him aren't even married anymore and he still treats me as his flesh and blood. I never had major health issues - although some, none really serious or life threatening - and have never been in a serious accident apart from what happened to my eye which in the end was really nothing. I was never hungry and I had so many opportunities in my life others would really want to have had. I was born in the middle class in an impoverished country - well, in the 80's, when I was born, Brazil was MUCH worse than it is now - and for a while we were even high middle class. I live in an excellent neighborhood in Rio de Janeiro. I have many friends all over the globe whom I love as family. And now I have found love in one of the sweetest men I have ever met. My life is great. Of course, it's far from perfect, I have had my share of issues and bad experiences. Still, especially in comparison to other people, my life is great.

Why am I saying all this? Because, even though all that I have written, I've been mad as hell for years. The injustice, the stupidity, the way the world is and - I'm sorry to say, it has always been, we are just more aware of it, maybe - and how most people just sit around and do nothing. How can people buy designer bag, not for the design itself but for its status, at thousands of dollars and others have nothing to eat, nothing to do! How people live their lives in the most idiotic way possible, how people treat others as dirt, how people treat animals as mere commodities - and I don't even like pets! How women have such a disadvantage in the world and how we are perceived in so many societies, the ever annoying virgin / whore dichotomy and how some women don't even realize that or even take advantage of that. How men don't even really know what being a man really means and act like they are 13 years of age for the rest of their lives. How people judge others on their appearance, ethnicity, background, religion, job, status... how superficial people can be at the worst times to be so. And how some think only about themselves and their own selfish pursue of happiness. And we don't even know what happiness really is.

Not to mention a punch of other things that drive me over the edge and I just can't. I can't. What can I really do? I have no idea. I don't think "nothing" is the answer either. I do what I know. I study a lot, I listen and observe. But I'm so angry, so very angry at everything. Why should I just be satisfied with my life when everything is so, pardon my French, fucked up? I can't just sit here and peacefully live my life and ignore everything that it's around and pretend it does not concern me, I just can't do it! Ok, I have to tell you, I studied History and am, technically, a historian. The world was much much much worse than it is now. But still, I'm not satisfied with what we as human being have achieved. I think there so much more work to do, so much more to be thought about, so much more to be discussed. I don't want to stand still and sit here and do nothing.

I'm not satisfied. Are you satisfied?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

1 Comment:

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