A path for each

Yesterday was an interesting day in the Islamic blog and vlogsphere. As you might have noticed, no, I'm not Muslim. And no, I'm not Christian as you can check here. So why do I read so many Muslim blogs? I don't really know for sure. I guess the ones that I do like to read are interesting to me, make me relax, smile and feel good. I like the way my favorite bloggers write, what they write about – not that I always agree with what they are saying – but I do like to read them a lot. As this blog has actually being frozen since April I never got a chance to update the ones I read the most. I'm also shy, even to comment online – yes, I know, it's silly. So many of those bloggers never noticed I read them daily and watched their videos because I never expressed myself at the time. I regret it now.

So, what happened yesterday? I went to bed on Monday after studying a lot – as I wrote here I have an important paper due so I can finally major in History – and read my favorite blogs before bed. So, I wake up, get ready, check my emails and check the blogs again. But... where's Kimdonesia's blog? (For those who don't know, Kimdonesia is an Australian girl, Kim, who converted to Islam and had one of the coolest blogs and the coolest youtube channel. Not to mention she's a sweetheart and always made me smile with her great personality.) Hummm... weird, I thought. Maybe a blogger problem? I find out later though another blog I love, Ange's blog, that Kimdonesia had left Islam. My jaw dropped. What did I miss in less than 8 hours? I go to one of my favorite youtube channels, thevintagegoth's channel (a munaqqabah convert girl from Kansas. Another sweet funny girl, very smart with personality to spare), and she posted a video about Kim that was a very good one. I was worried about Kim, but after the video I thought everything was fine. So, I go to school, have classes, come back, teach, tra la la, eat lunch, go to the internet relax before studying. All of thevintagegoth videos were gone. I thought “what's going on?”. A little later on The vintage goth posts an emotional video without her hijab or her niqab on talking about, in her own way, why she removed her videos. Silly me, I wrote her the longest message, must have creeped her out LOL It's all my fault, I should have contacted them a lot sooner, now it's a little late. So I decided to write this post in English – which you might have noticed by now, it's not my first language – about my feelings and why I care about these two young ladies and why I identify with them in some way.

First, let me tell you a little about my interest in Islam. I'll jump it to 2003 and tell you other things in the future, hopefully, so this doesn't get too long and boring. So, in 2003 when I started a project about Islam in my first university (I'm a Film making major) I began going to the mosque, making Muslim friends (some are my close friends until this very day), wearing hijab while there – it just felt comfortable – and reading a lot etc. I stopped drinking and eating pork as well. Everybody thought I was going to convert. Everyone. Even I did. But it never happened. Why?

Erin, the vintage goth, said in her second video something that exactly expresses. I couldn't have come up with that. I'm in love with Islam, but I don't believe in it (she actually said she doesn't know. I'm the one who doesn't believe). It might not make sense to Muslims or non-Muslims. But for me it's exactly that. I love Islam as I love all religions. I love Muslims as I love every human on this planet. But I don't believe in it. I respect it a lot and know how misunderstood it is, especially since Muslims are the “enemies du jour”, probably the first ones of the internet era. Really tough.

I've had many issues with religion. For a long time I was a devout Catholic. When I tell this to people that have been known me for years but not that long, they can't believe it. But, yes. I was the most Catholic little girl you could have met. My mom is very spiritual, but not really so Catholic oriented. But I was more Catholic than my grandparents were. It all ended when I was only 10. I realized I didn't really believe in any of that, despite the fact I respected a lot. So I left Christianity, because I didn't believe in it. I never stopped believing in God or praying my own way. I just didn't believe in that interpretation of God.

And that's where I can feel an identification to Erin and Kim. I understand that feeling. Ok, it's completely different for each individual, but still: At age 15 I joined another religion which I won't tell you which one :P I was REALLY into it. Really. I read a lot, practiced a lot, swallowed every bit of criticism, cried at home when Baptist Christians (funnily enough, here in Brazil the protestant Christians are the most conservative of the bunch) thought I had the demon in me, defended myself and made everything to protect my believes, brought others to the faith etc. Then one day I realized... as many years before with Catholicism... I also didn't believe in it. It was a crisis for my heart. I was so sure, why I didn't believe anymore? What happened? I didn't even think was wrong and I still have a lot of care for that religion. I still remember when I left. People of the community were shocked. Me of all people left. Many tried to persuade me to please come back while some even cursed me – yes, friends... they are in EVERY community. But I knew it was not right for me. It made me happy and gave my soul relieve for a time. But not anymore. So I left. It was tough and painful... More than 7 years of my life I spent believing in that religion. Again, I still have a lot of respect and care for it, I just don't tell you which one for personal reasons.

I will make a comparison with vegetarianism. I know it will sound crazy. But hear me out. I have some friends who became vegetarians and their lives just improved! Their health was better, they looked better etc. Vegetarianism was for them. However, I had other friends in which happened the opposite. Their health declined, their appearance was awful, they were always tired. And yes, they went to vegetarian nutritionists and doctors. It didn't improve, although some kept at it. Vegetarianism wasn't for them. Religion is a bit like that. I do believe in God. But I also believe there are so many ways to acknowledge God. If people think they found the truth, that's the truth for them. Maybe for a period or maybe for the rest of their lives. As long as they are good and happy.

Kim entered Islam for all the right reasons and left it for all the right reasons. (Wrong reasons would be maybe... for a guy and leaving because of that guy?) So, I would like people to stop judging Erin and Kim for their videos as each person has their path. It doesn't make them bad... I don't think people should judge others so much. For some it almost looks like some kind of hobby.

I'm happy both didn't disappear and will keep spreading light and smiles across the globe to people they never met. I wish you strength and I wish I had talked sooner and wouldn't sound now like a stalker! lol ^ ^.

I had a lot more to say, but it would become almost like a book. So, I might talk about some topics these past days made me think about sometime in the future.

Let's build a better world.

p.s.: It's not because some left Islam or Christianity that they will start drinking and partying. I don't enjoy drinking and partying and I have no religion. So there.

p.s.2: I do have my own beliefs... I just don't have other's to share them with... ;_; It's a lonely religion, but it has been working for me so far. ^ ^


A side note: I just realized how many people are being so disrespectful towards Kim's decision! I won't give you their pages, blog or youtube channels, I won't five them traffic. I'm just appalled! And I came accross these as I wasn't even looking for anything. I can't believe in people sometimes. Seriously. They make everything about them. Guess what? It's not about you! Go find some hobbies! Will do you some good.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009