Over the edge

I spend some time of my day thinking about the things that drive me insane and usually I think of them as texts, as articles. I think about so many things, so many things that drive me crazy and that are not few and are very varied. But every time I think "I should write this in my blog, I'll feel better", I sit in front of the computer and it doesn't come out at all. For some reason, when I decided to do it I just can't. I really have no idea why, I don't know it's fear, laziness or what. I just block. And thus I end up righting about the most frivolous aspects of my every day life because the things I really want to write about I just freeze.

So many things. So many.

People think I take things far too seriously - which is in fact true - and that I should take a lighter approach to life. Maybe I should. But I can't.

I'm only 28 years old and I've had a great life. A wonderful life. My childhood was awesome - ok, my teenage years weren't the best, more on that some other day - , my mother is the greatest person I've ever met, my stepfather is the best father God could have provided for me - my mom and him aren't even married anymore and he still treats me as his flesh and blood. I never had major health issues - although some, none really serious or life threatening - and have never been in a serious accident apart from what happened to my eye which in the end was really nothing. I was never hungry and I had so many opportunities in my life others would really want to have had. I was born in the middle class in an impoverished country - well, in the 80's, when I was born, Brazil was MUCH worse than it is now - and for a while we were even high middle class. I live in an excellent neighborhood in Rio de Janeiro. I have many friends all over the globe whom I love as family. And now I have found love in one of the sweetest men I have ever met. My life is great. Of course, it's far from perfect, I have had my share of issues and bad experiences. Still, especially in comparison to other people, my life is great.

Why am I saying all this? Because, even though all that I have written, I've been mad as hell for years. The injustice, the stupidity, the way the world is and - I'm sorry to say, it has always been, we are just more aware of it, maybe - and how most people just sit around and do nothing. How can people buy designer bag, not for the design itself but for its status, at thousands of dollars and others have nothing to eat, nothing to do! How people live their lives in the most idiotic way possible, how people treat others as dirt, how people treat animals as mere commodities - and I don't even like pets! How women have such a disadvantage in the world and how we are perceived in so many societies, the ever annoying virgin / whore dichotomy and how some women don't even realize that or even take advantage of that. How men don't even really know what being a man really means and act like they are 13 years of age for the rest of their lives. How people judge others on their appearance, ethnicity, background, religion, job, status... how superficial people can be at the worst times to be so. And how some think only about themselves and their own selfish pursue of happiness. And we don't even know what happiness really is.

Not to mention a punch of other things that drive me over the edge and I just can't. I can't. What can I really do? I have no idea. I don't think "nothing" is the answer either. I do what I know. I study a lot, I listen and observe. But I'm so angry, so very angry at everything. Why should I just be satisfied with my life when everything is so, pardon my French, fucked up? I can't just sit here and peacefully live my life and ignore everything that it's around and pretend it does not concern me, I just can't do it! Ok, I have to tell you, I studied History and am, technically, a historian. The world was much much much worse than it is now. But still, I'm not satisfied with what we as human being have achieved. I think there so much more work to do, so much more to be thought about, so much more to be discussed. I don't want to stand still and sit here and do nothing.

I'm not satisfied. Are you satisfied?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

One of those days... which turned fun in the end.

Of course I never meant to write a "this is my every day life" kind of blog, specially since I don't show this blog to many friends so I really have no idea who would be interested in knowing what I've been doing LOL But first, today was one of "those" days and secondly it is a good writing exercise for me, I guess / hope =D

So today would be theoretically my training day at my new job at the bookstore. 8 in the morning I was supposed to go to a clinic for an "entrance's exam" O_o. I think it's a needed practice here when you start a new job. I found it rather silly, since the only things the doctor asked I could have just filled out a form... I don't know, maybe it's important. The fact is, I arrive there punctually at 8. I open my bag after giving my id to the attendant and realize I hadn't brought my book with me and thought " Oh, well, this will be quick, right?". I see other future co-workers coming in (I know that because you have to tell the attendant the company you are being employed at) and she doesn't call me. Suddenly she tells me I'm not on the list and therefore cannot be examined. She calls the bookstore but the PR just opens at 9. "My book! Why? Why I didn't bring my book?". So I stay there watching Patch Adams on TV getting super cranky. Have you people seen that movie? I was hating it. I didn't see the beginning nor the end (thank you. God!), but as far as I watched I hated it. Ok, Robin Williams annoys the heck out of me and I could only enjoy him in Mrs. Doubtfire and The Birdcage. Still, I felt something was just wrong and silly about that movie. I had read before about the work of Dr. Patch Adams and it seemed a lot more... "serious" (for the lack of a better word) as portrait there. Anyways... it might also be that I would much rather be reading my dear book.

So I leave the place at 9:40 (!!) and head to the bookstore's headquarters not far from the clinic nor from my home. I have breakfast at a little cafe. Sitting there was a very loud about 60 year-old woman speaking on her cell phone. Impossible not to hear her. "And so I want to make a cultural trip to Italy, y'know. I want to understand why they have the best food in the world, the best museums and all that, y'know". Italy has the best food in the world? Really?... Hmm.. I really think that it's up for a LOT of debate. I don't think any cuisine could win that one. And she went on and on about her trips and how she spent about 2000 dollars shopping in Paris last summer or whatever and I'm heading for my minimum wage little job.

Arriving there we would have to go to the bank and open an account for our salary, even if we already had an account in that particular bank *points at self*. I'm not even going to comment how idiotic I think that is. Anyways, there was some power trouble at the bank and their system went down. Results? We could not start today since we could not sign our contracts without that account. Oh, the joy... I even forgot to mention that I had to run home and get some other documents they forgot to tell me I needed... 20 minutes walking as fast as ever in the "summer is coming in the tropical city" sun.

As I arrive home, the pharmacy calls me. They wanted to tell me how much would the two medicaments my doctor asked me to buy would cost. I almost fainted as she told me. I tried calling my doctor to make sure I REALLY need those, otherwise I'm not going to pay that. Sadly I couldn't reach him. Let's try again later...

But what was so great about this weird day in which very little worked out? I really liked my future co-workers. They are very funny, pleasant intelligent people and I had a great time with them today. Strangely, all the odd things we had to go through together at the bank made us chat a lot and get to know each other a little and ended up being a lot of fun.

In the end, I was pleased. And tomorrow we will be finally trained and my movie will be - hopefully - finished.

Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, November 8, 2010

A job! A job?

Hello all, how are you in this lovely Sunday?

I'm sitting on my new computer working a lot. I'm editing the movie I told you about in the last post and I hope it will turn out at least ok. I think the material we gathered is very good, but we are having trouble with the sound are other issues.
Anyways, remember I said I had no job? Weirdly enough, less than 24 hours after I wrote that I got a job! Ok, it is not the greatest job ever and not the one I really wanted, but it's a job, right?
I'll be working at a very nice bookstore very close to where I live - about 10 minutes on foot. The pay is terrible - as it usually is for "part-time" jobs around here, but I've always enjoyed that store and thus I'm excited about it. I'll start tomorrow and work nights which is not so bad since it's so close.

Hopefully you are having a wonderful Sunday ^_^

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Some long needed news

Hello dear readers!

How long has it been? Far too long I feel. I truly did miss posting and reading blogs, so much has happened.
I hope you are not all gone - lol - and I hope I can keep writing.

As I mentioned above, since my last post so much has happened around here. I went to the USA to visit my dear friend in L.A. (what a strange place that is) and as I came back I found myself in some trouble. First I will tell you about the small troubles. My computer's charger decided to quit and not work anymore. The computer I had taken with me to L.A is a very small notebook I used during my final school days. It's great for studying and traveling, but not for everyday use. Ah! Not to mention I had a terrible access to the internet while in the USA. I find it quite amusing that in two recent so called developed countries I was at - Japan and the U.S. - I had so limited internet access. It almost feels like a joke, really, that I would have better internet here at home in Brazil.

Well, we are the 7th largest economy in the world according to some sources.

Anyways, I did buy a new charger but it took ages to arrive and when it finally did... my computer decided to be mean and stubborn as saying "you left me without energy for months!!!! I don't like you!". Jeez. How sentimental...
My boyfriend / fiance (no idea.... more on that later... maybe.) bought me a lovely mac mini so that I could start editing and finally making movies. Totally getting out of the topic, I feel like I will have to expose myself much more on the web in the future since I want to show my "craft" as a filmmaker, musician and amateur "complainer".

Lastly, I haven't been well this year. I had some kidney problems before my trip and later it evolved to a stomach issue. Apparently I have some infection in the throat area that never really healed and thus my body has became very weak trying to fight it. I was unaware of this until recently and it has been a routine of multiple physical exams and trips to the doctor's office. We are still not sure what is the issue with my stomach, but I hope we will find out soon and pray to good it's nothing serious. But my kidneys keep being a major issue. Tomorrow I'm going to one of the many doctors I've been seeing. Apparently I'll have to take some very painful shots against that infection for several months. Thank God I have health insurance... but most of the little money I earn as a teacher is going to the several medicaments I've been taking.

So this is it. That's why I haven't been around. No good internet, stubborn computers and bad health... I'm already kinda lazy for writing and keeping in touch. With all this... Not to mention my current jobless situation - being a private teacher is not really as steady situation. But I'm not really complaining. I know it could be much worse, so I thank God everyday for the luck I have.

Time to wrap it up. Hope you are all well and talk to you soon. ^_^

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Turning 28 today

Hello, everyone!!

So, I left this blog a little, huh? I wasn't my intention and I hope to be back to the blogging world. Some quick news: I'm in Los Angeles now and I'll be here for about a month. I've been having a great time so far and hope to tell you all about it. Another note is:

it's my birthday today. I just turned 28. 28! Wow... and, to be honest, I don't feel old at all, just a little scared lmao! ^_^

Hope you guys are still around and talk to you soon!!

Ana aka Odna

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Take back...

We cannot be honest. Ever. There is no place for honesty and sincerity. Why people ask questions if they cannot handle the answers? And why the double standards? What's up with that?
I'm so mad and frustrated. I'm mad at myself, how stupid I am. I should keep my mouth shut and my life to myself at all times.
Tears come to my eyes as I write this... I wish I could go back in time... and do it again.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How everything can change in a minute II

you have no idea HOW MUCH. I didn't either.

Truth is, I can't really talk about it at this point. All I can say is that I've been expecting a positive answer since I heard about the possibility last Wednesday. It might come today... I'm only mentioning it because I'm so nervous and excited. Ok, ok, all I ask is that you think positively for me. Soon I'll tell you what it is all about, whether it happens or not.

What a mysterious post, huh?

Thursday, March 4, 2010