Over the edge

I spend some time of my day thinking about the things that drive me insane and usually I think of them as texts, as articles. I think about so many things, so many things that drive me crazy and that are not few and are very varied. But every time I think "I should write this in my blog, I'll feel better", I sit in front of the computer and it doesn't come out at all. For some reason, when I decided to do it I just can't. I really have no idea why, I don't know it's fear, laziness or what. I just block. And thus I end up righting about the most frivolous aspects of my every day life because the things I really want to write about I just freeze.

So many things. So many.

People think I take things far too seriously - which is in fact true - and that I should take a lighter approach to life. Maybe I should. But I can't.

I'm only 28 years old and I've had a great life. A wonderful life. My childhood was awesome - ok, my teenage years weren't the best, more on that some other day - , my mother is the greatest person I've ever met, my stepfather is the best father God could have provided for me - my mom and him aren't even married anymore and he still treats me as his flesh and blood. I never had major health issues - although some, none really serious or life threatening - and have never been in a serious accident apart from what happened to my eye which in the end was really nothing. I was never hungry and I had so many opportunities in my life others would really want to have had. I was born in the middle class in an impoverished country - well, in the 80's, when I was born, Brazil was MUCH worse than it is now - and for a while we were even high middle class. I live in an excellent neighborhood in Rio de Janeiro. I have many friends all over the globe whom I love as family. And now I have found love in one of the sweetest men I have ever met. My life is great. Of course, it's far from perfect, I have had my share of issues and bad experiences. Still, especially in comparison to other people, my life is great.

Why am I saying all this? Because, even though all that I have written, I've been mad as hell for years. The injustice, the stupidity, the way the world is and - I'm sorry to say, it has always been, we are just more aware of it, maybe - and how most people just sit around and do nothing. How can people buy designer bag, not for the design itself but for its status, at thousands of dollars and others have nothing to eat, nothing to do! How people live their lives in the most idiotic way possible, how people treat others as dirt, how people treat animals as mere commodities - and I don't even like pets! How women have such a disadvantage in the world and how we are perceived in so many societies, the ever annoying virgin / whore dichotomy and how some women don't even realize that or even take advantage of that. How men don't even really know what being a man really means and act like they are 13 years of age for the rest of their lives. How people judge others on their appearance, ethnicity, background, religion, job, status... how superficial people can be at the worst times to be so. And how some think only about themselves and their own selfish pursue of happiness. And we don't even know what happiness really is.

Not to mention a punch of other things that drive me over the edge and I just can't. I can't. What can I really do? I have no idea. I don't think "nothing" is the answer either. I do what I know. I study a lot, I listen and observe. But I'm so angry, so very angry at everything. Why should I just be satisfied with my life when everything is so, pardon my French, fucked up? I can't just sit here and peacefully live my life and ignore everything that it's around and pretend it does not concern me, I just can't do it! Ok, I have to tell you, I studied History and am, technically, a historian. The world was much much much worse than it is now. But still, I'm not satisfied with what we as human being have achieved. I think there so much more work to do, so much more to be thought about, so much more to be discussed. I don't want to stand still and sit here and do nothing.

I'm not satisfied. Are you satisfied?

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

One of those days... which turned fun in the end.

Of course I never meant to write a "this is my every day life" kind of blog, specially since I don't show this blog to many friends so I really have no idea who would be interested in knowing what I've been doing LOL But first, today was one of "those" days and secondly it is a good writing exercise for me, I guess / hope =D

So today would be theoretically my training day at my new job at the bookstore. 8 in the morning I was supposed to go to a clinic for an "entrance's exam" O_o. I think it's a needed practice here when you start a new job. I found it rather silly, since the only things the doctor asked I could have just filled out a form... I don't know, maybe it's important. The fact is, I arrive there punctually at 8. I open my bag after giving my id to the attendant and realize I hadn't brought my book with me and thought " Oh, well, this will be quick, right?". I see other future co-workers coming in (I know that because you have to tell the attendant the company you are being employed at) and she doesn't call me. Suddenly she tells me I'm not on the list and therefore cannot be examined. She calls the bookstore but the PR just opens at 9. "My book! Why? Why I didn't bring my book?". So I stay there watching Patch Adams on TV getting super cranky. Have you people seen that movie? I was hating it. I didn't see the beginning nor the end (thank you. God!), but as far as I watched I hated it. Ok, Robin Williams annoys the heck out of me and I could only enjoy him in Mrs. Doubtfire and The Birdcage. Still, I felt something was just wrong and silly about that movie. I had read before about the work of Dr. Patch Adams and it seemed a lot more... "serious" (for the lack of a better word) as portrait there. Anyways... it might also be that I would much rather be reading my dear book.

So I leave the place at 9:40 (!!) and head to the bookstore's headquarters not far from the clinic nor from my home. I have breakfast at a little cafe. Sitting there was a very loud about 60 year-old woman speaking on her cell phone. Impossible not to hear her. "And so I want to make a cultural trip to Italy, y'know. I want to understand why they have the best food in the world, the best museums and all that, y'know". Italy has the best food in the world? Really?... Hmm.. I really think that it's up for a LOT of debate. I don't think any cuisine could win that one. And she went on and on about her trips and how she spent about 2000 dollars shopping in Paris last summer or whatever and I'm heading for my minimum wage little job.

Arriving there we would have to go to the bank and open an account for our salary, even if we already had an account in that particular bank *points at self*. I'm not even going to comment how idiotic I think that is. Anyways, there was some power trouble at the bank and their system went down. Results? We could not start today since we could not sign our contracts without that account. Oh, the joy... I even forgot to mention that I had to run home and get some other documents they forgot to tell me I needed... 20 minutes walking as fast as ever in the "summer is coming in the tropical city" sun.

As I arrive home, the pharmacy calls me. They wanted to tell me how much would the two medicaments my doctor asked me to buy would cost. I almost fainted as she told me. I tried calling my doctor to make sure I REALLY need those, otherwise I'm not going to pay that. Sadly I couldn't reach him. Let's try again later...

But what was so great about this weird day in which very little worked out? I really liked my future co-workers. They are very funny, pleasant intelligent people and I had a great time with them today. Strangely, all the odd things we had to go through together at the bank made us chat a lot and get to know each other a little and ended up being a lot of fun.

In the end, I was pleased. And tomorrow we will be finally trained and my movie will be - hopefully - finished.

Have a great week, everyone!

Monday, November 8, 2010

A job! A job?

Hello all, how are you in this lovely Sunday?

I'm sitting on my new computer working a lot. I'm editing the movie I told you about in the last post and I hope it will turn out at least ok. I think the material we gathered is very good, but we are having trouble with the sound are other issues.
Anyways, remember I said I had no job? Weirdly enough, less than 24 hours after I wrote that I got a job! Ok, it is not the greatest job ever and not the one I really wanted, but it's a job, right?
I'll be working at a very nice bookstore very close to where I live - about 10 minutes on foot. The pay is terrible - as it usually is for "part-time" jobs around here, but I've always enjoyed that store and thus I'm excited about it. I'll start tomorrow and work nights which is not so bad since it's so close.

Hopefully you are having a wonderful Sunday ^_^

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Some long needed news

Hello dear readers!

How long has it been? Far too long I feel. I truly did miss posting and reading blogs, so much has happened.
I hope you are not all gone - lol - and I hope I can keep writing.

As I mentioned above, since my last post so much has happened around here. I went to the USA to visit my dear friend in L.A. (what a strange place that is) and as I came back I found myself in some trouble. First I will tell you about the small troubles. My computer's charger decided to quit and not work anymore. The computer I had taken with me to L.A is a very small notebook I used during my final school days. It's great for studying and traveling, but not for everyday use. Ah! Not to mention I had a terrible access to the internet while in the USA. I find it quite amusing that in two recent so called developed countries I was at - Japan and the U.S. - I had so limited internet access. It almost feels like a joke, really, that I would have better internet here at home in Brazil.

Well, we are the 7th largest economy in the world according to some sources.

Anyways, I did buy a new charger but it took ages to arrive and when it finally did... my computer decided to be mean and stubborn as saying "you left me without energy for months!!!! I don't like you!". Jeez. How sentimental...
My boyfriend / fiance (no idea.... more on that later... maybe.) bought me a lovely mac mini so that I could start editing and finally making movies. Totally getting out of the topic, I feel like I will have to expose myself much more on the web in the future since I want to show my "craft" as a filmmaker, musician and amateur "complainer".

Lastly, I haven't been well this year. I had some kidney problems before my trip and later it evolved to a stomach issue. Apparently I have some infection in the throat area that never really healed and thus my body has became very weak trying to fight it. I was unaware of this until recently and it has been a routine of multiple physical exams and trips to the doctor's office. We are still not sure what is the issue with my stomach, but I hope we will find out soon and pray to good it's nothing serious. But my kidneys keep being a major issue. Tomorrow I'm going to one of the many doctors I've been seeing. Apparently I'll have to take some very painful shots against that infection for several months. Thank God I have health insurance... but most of the little money I earn as a teacher is going to the several medicaments I've been taking.

So this is it. That's why I haven't been around. No good internet, stubborn computers and bad health... I'm already kinda lazy for writing and keeping in touch. With all this... Not to mention my current jobless situation - being a private teacher is not really as steady situation. But I'm not really complaining. I know it could be much worse, so I thank God everyday for the luck I have.

Time to wrap it up. Hope you are all well and talk to you soon. ^_^

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Turning 28 today

Hello, everyone!!

So, I left this blog a little, huh? I wasn't my intention and I hope to be back to the blogging world. Some quick news: I'm in Los Angeles now and I'll be here for about a month. I've been having a great time so far and hope to tell you all about it. Another note is:

it's my birthday today. I just turned 28. 28! Wow... and, to be honest, I don't feel old at all, just a little scared lmao! ^_^

Hope you guys are still around and talk to you soon!!

Ana aka Odna

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Take back...

We cannot be honest. Ever. There is no place for honesty and sincerity. Why people ask questions if they cannot handle the answers? And why the double standards? What's up with that?
I'm so mad and frustrated. I'm mad at myself, how stupid I am. I should keep my mouth shut and my life to myself at all times.
Tears come to my eyes as I write this... I wish I could go back in time... and do it again.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How everything can change in a minute II

you have no idea HOW MUCH. I didn't either.

Truth is, I can't really talk about it at this point. All I can say is that I've been expecting a positive answer since I heard about the possibility last Wednesday. It might come today... I'm only mentioning it because I'm so nervous and excited. Ok, ok, all I ask is that you think positively for me. Soon I'll tell you what it is all about, whether it happens or not.

What a mysterious post, huh?

Thursday, March 4, 2010

How everything can change in a minute

I'm free...

I finally handed over my final paper after a long battle with myself. It's over. I'm graduated. This is my second graduation. I knew I would feel so lost after it. I have no idea how to move forward. I know what I want in life. But it's very hard for me to be honest about it as I know it's a crazy dream. There are other problems, of course. I have to think about money and this can make my dreams move further and further away. But I shouldn't give up, I don't think I should. I just feel so lost.

But something very nice happened since the last post. I finally met someone special. And believe me, he's something else. I never thought I could meet such a man, but I did. I'm at the moon right now, I think I haven't been in love in a very long time. Such a long time that I had forgotten how it felt like.

So I'm basicall lost and found at the same time. What a great year this will be.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Why so cranky? A rant about Carnival and tourists.

This is the second image you get if you google "cranky". I had to laugh and add it.

I've been very down lately. And VERY cranky.
Is it Carnival? Is it the tourists everywhere? Is it the trash? The noise? The heat? The fact that I'm very anti social lately?

I don't know. Carnival must be helping. You see, I don't really like it. It's a punch in the stomach of my identity, but it really isnt't for me. And it's not that I'm getting old. I only remember liking Carnival when I was a very little child - 4 or 5 - because I loved throwing confetti and dressing up. Than later it was just a big bleh for me. I do appreciate the oficial Carnival Parade in Rio de Janeiro. It is quite stunning and a reflection of our culture. But... do I need to take part? can't I just watch some on TV? The street part of Carnival is so annoying. The traffic becomes even more confusing then normal, there are thousands of people on the streets, so many tourists... it's like 01:33 in the morning, I'm on the 9th floor and I can hear them downstairs on the street!!! I feel so much like an old lady. It's not really Carnival that is annoying me as much as my own annoyance annoying me, get it? LMAO! It's true! I'm annoying myself with my annoyance. Let people have fun! Why do you care?

But I do. lol And therefore cranky I am. Of course, the fact that I haven't finished my final paper yet (can you believe it?!) is also adding up. I'm here trying to write it... but I just can't do it. I have to, however. Friday is the limit and I'll be free. Yes. Free. Maybe a little too free. That's what is so scary. O_o

Also, this time of the year we get THOSE tourists. Well, it's confession time and I probably will go back to this theme many other times to clarify myself as I had to in real life when this issue was brought up. I don't like tourists. There. I said it. I don't. Naturally, I'm talking about a typical tourist. What a typical tourist actually is, is up for debate. For me there's a big difference between being a tourist and being a traveller , for starters. I don't know how to explain it here, in English and in concise form. But there is. I always felt that tourism had that touch of "the world is my personal backyard and let's enjoy it" that I don't appreciate.

If you come from a 3rd world country like me - ok, that term is just SO ridiculous, but let's stick to it for rhetoric's sake - listening to 1st world country - ok, ok, it's just rhetoric - tourists can be both a frutrating and entertaining experience. You know I speak 4 foreign languages which gives me the joy of understanding English, French, German and Japanese. Btw, I really don't get how the English speaking tourists don't notice that so many people can actually understand them! Many people don't, but so many do! I remember once having this guy talking about me in English right in front of my face! I had to laugh hysterically right back. Oh, the joys of awkwardness... Anyways, back to my rant. Where was I? Oh, yes. Language and tourists. Right. Well... sometimes I wish I had no ears, had never learned any language or had a better sense of humour. Having people criticizing my country in the most ignorant ways like this is their backyard - well, they do have a point, I have to say, still... - is really both annoying and humourous. Again, my sense of humour... I don't know. I think I left it somewhere...

Sometimes I answer back, sometimes I just look at them with those "wtf" eyes... (I have so many personal stories about this I hope to share someday) This year because of this forsaken paper I have't gone out a lot, so not much happened. Don't get me wrong. I always help tourists. I was helped many times abroad and I feel like I should do it. But when they say "Gracias" I think "Oh, God.... why?? Why nobody goes to Wikipedia before they go abroad? Help me!" Friend, if you are coming to Brazil DON'T SAY GRACIAS! Unless you are a native Spanish speaker; that is the only case where it's cool, hermano. Other than that, just forget about it. We hate it. And even if some of us don't care, some of us do *points at self*. It's like going to Latvia and saying "Spassiba" or going to Korea and say "Arigatou". Ok, these two examples are MUCH, MUCH worse (remember, DON'T DO IT!)... but still. "Thank you" in Portuguese doesn't even sound like Gracias. If you are a man you say "Obrigado", if you are a girl you say "Obrigada". There you go. It won't take any extra space in your brain and you can forget later after you drank too many caipirinhas to remember your own name.

Ok, enough ranting. Jeesh, Odna.. what an enourmously boring post!!! Stop now and go to bed, have some rest and calm down! you are driving me crazy.

Ar... those people in the dining room...

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Kids with Youtube channels

As I really like Youtube and watch many channels and videos something started to bother me. One day Youtube gave me one of its crazy suggestions. It was related to one of my favorite shows (would love to talk about those soon), in fact, it was a response to it. It was a video that was around 20 seconds long of this little girl saying incomprehensive stuff. I went to see her channel and it made me very worried.

I won't post her channel as that is not the objective of this post. Well, she is probably 10 or 11, in one video she claims to be 11. Nevertheless, she can't be more than 12. In her channel she posts "vlogs" of herself and most of her videos are not even a minute long. Of course, I didn't really watch any of them expect for one here she addresses people who "leave mean comments". In fact, a group of "I have absolutely nothing better to do or any real interests for that matter so I'm always bored" group of teenage girls posted a response video to that in which they make fun of the little girl. She then posted a video of her being sad.

Why I watched all this? I got seriously worried. I tried to find in the web articles or anything related to children having youtube channels. I found many about the quality of youtube for the children's audience... but none about children having youtube channels. I tried to contact youtube, but they are not very prepared to control channels only single videos (and that also to a certain extend). It reminded me of the infamous case of "Scott" (don't know if it's just an alias) a.k.a "Angry Homo Kid" whose Police intervention was necessary. It was a situation involving a probably 12 year old boy who made video blogs about one or two years ago. The most infamous of his vlogs is an angry response to trolls who call him "homo". Concerned people contacted the police in the U.S. and they were able to track him down. His parents were unware he had the channel. I'm trying to find a good and serious article I found about the case sometime ago, but can't find it. If you find it, let me know.

Anyways, back to the little girl. In another video I "watched" (not really, just went throw it) an adult shows up and apparently was unconcerned of what the girls was doing. I really think it might have been her dad.

I'm not one of these people who are too concerned and worried about children's "safety" (sometimes it's just pure exaggeration). But I wonder.... why people don't report this? Are more people talking about this issue? Is a 11 year old girl or boy ready for the over exposure of a video blog? This girl doesn't even have the articulation when talking, she really does talk like a kid. Is it wrong? Is it something parents should be aware? Should I be worried? Again, I'm not talking about videos with kids. I'm talking about kids who videoblog, who have their own channel.

I don't know. I was wondering you could help me think in a more deep way about this issue, especially the ones with kids, because, quiet frankly, it did disturb me a little.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I have a secret to tell you...

I have many things to write about, but it's always hard once I reach the computer to do it. I always seem to lose the focus or the train of thought... oh, well..

Anyways, this Friday I went to see some friends and caught this very cute chat between two 4 year-old girls:

Girl 1: I have a secret to tell you...
Girl 2: Ok...
Girl 1: but you can't tell anyone!
Girl 2: I won't.
Girl 1 (whispering): My doll has two skirts!
Girl 2: Oh!

lol I had to fake I wasn't laughing so they didn't know I heard their really serious secret!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Oh... 2010...

2010, 2010.... you are not starting well, honey. No, you are not. Put yourself together!

Haiti, anyone? Hello? What was that all about? Wasn't Haiti having a hard time already as it is? I know many people probably didn't know it before, but Brazilians have been in Haiti for a while trying to help the country out. At least 18 Brazilians soldiers and more 3 civilians died. Among them was the amazing Zilda Arns and diplomat Luiz Carlos da Costa.

I also found out this weekend that I only have two degrees of separation with a Brazilian soldier who was there, got injured and is now been treated here. He is the brother of a close friend of another close friend. I know it doesn't seem much, but to me it's weird to be only a few degrees of a lot of people who are suffering in such a dramatic manner.

On a personal level...

My aunt was in the hospital the past week. She has many heart related problems, but she is better now. She's only 52 and left us very worried.
My graduation ceremony is on Sunday. And I still didn't finish my paper. I have no idea what's wrong with me... Acutally, I do. I just don't want to make it public :P

I hope to write a little bit more here. I want to make it a habit in 2010. There are so many things bugging me lately and I notice I have... 10 followers! O_O Wow... I have to give you precious people something to read! Hehe :) Thanks Heather and Xena for being so active here and leaving very nice and interesting comments.

See you all soon!

p.s.: Remind me to tell you the hilariously annoying talk I had with an atheist last week. It was delightful.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Oh... the world of crazy...

so... someone decided it would be a terrific idea to start sending me Islamophobic videos on youtube... u_u` *deep breath*
do I deserve this?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Happy 2010!

Happy 2010, everyone! I hope you are all doing great!

I know it's just a number... but I'm just so glad 2009 is over. What a terrible year that was for me. There were, of course, some positive highlights - and let's face it, many times struggling times end up been positive after a while. But mostly it was just bad.

But I hope 2010 will rock... it didn't start THAT great (check here), but I'm hopefull. And you? Are you hopefull? =D

Monday, January 4, 2010